The Very Latest Breaking Giancarlo Stanton News Is that Cardinals bloggers are reaping the rewards of writing post after post with their brilliant Giancarlo Stanton hot takes. And the best part? Basically every single post that mentions Giancarlo Stanton in the title gets a bazillion clicks! Bloggers are on top of the world! To quote one blogger who wished to remain anonymous, “Ever since I created the Conclave, I get maybe 20 clicks per post. I posted one Stanton article, and BAM! 28 clicks. I’m thinking of making this my real career!” Yes indeed, the contest to get the latest interesting Stanton content is reaching a fever pitch as blogger after blogger watches their AdSense roll over penny by glorious penny. It’s never been more glamorous to be a Cardinals blogger. And while almost no actual news has been reported by any blog -- I mean we still aren’t clear if Stanton will actually waive his no-trade clause, we haven’t heard the slightest about how much the Cardinals would be willing to pick up, and there isn’t the faintest hint of whom the Cardinals might be offering -- that hasn’t stopped bloggers from churning out endless content. Giancarlo Stanton is THE face of the Cardinals off season, and he will continue to be right up until it’s revealed that a mystery team jumped in at the last second, got Stanton from the Marlins for a AA pitcher, and will now be using Jason Heyward as a 5th outfielder. Then we can all lament the stories that come out that will reveal that the Cardinals pursuit lasted a total of one day, and they demanded that the Marlins pay the entirety of Stanton’s contract, plus pitch in a few billion for Ball Park Village Phase 3 in which the Cardinals will buy the humane society and euthanize all of the animals except for Rally Cat, who will sit in a cage and give fans the pleasure of being scratched for the low, low price of $45 (+$15 if blood is drawn). But until that terrible, fateful day, Cardinals fans can continue to happily click away on the blogosphere as independent writers continue to be all Stanton, all the time. Just consider the most recent articles from your favorite writers:
Cardinals Conclave - Daniel Shoptaw (@c70: “Adding Stanton Could Be How the Cardinals Offensive ‘Force Awakens’ (and 92 other Star Wars Puns)”
Cardinals Conclave - Cassie (@pinkDaisy08): “Getting Stanton Could Be the Perfect Reason to Bludgeon Matt Carpenter to Death with a Bag of Moldy Potatoes”
John Nagel (@CardinalsFarm): “How the Giancarlo Stanton Rumors Almost Made Me Actually Write Something”
Neal Hellner (@thebaseballguy1): “Giancarlo Stanton Will be the 2nd Most Valuable Cardinal – Behind Mike Matheny”
Chris O’Leary (@ThePainGuy): “How Advice I Shouted From the 3rd Base Line Before Security Removed Me Completely Made Giancarlo Stanton a Good Hitter”
Chase Woodruff (@2xBirds): “Why Trading For Giancarlo Stanton is Another Sign the Cardinals are Racist”
Mick Lite (@ArchCitySports): “Here is a Copy and Paste of Someone Else, or a Completely Made up Rumor I’ll Pass Off as True”
Anyone From Viva El Birdos: “Here Are 3 Charts on Giancarlo Stanton You Won’t Understand, But You’ll Read it Anyway So You Can Pretend to be Smart” Anyone From
Red Bird Daily: “Why I’m Hoping This Giancarlo Stanton Article Will Get Me Invited to Another Blog”
Let’s not forget how our friends over at Red Bird Rants will take advantage of this with their own series of articles like –
“How My Own Personal Statistics That I Made Up Prove That Giancarlo Stanton is Actually a Good Hitter”
“Stanton Has Never Ever Hit .300, and Isn’t Good at Baseball, and These Kids Need to Get Off My Lawn”
“Giancarlo Stanton Should Play Every day – at 2B”
“Giancarlo Stanton Accused Me of Kidnapping His Daughter and Stealing His Muffin, But I Didn’t Know It Was His Muffin and So He Owes Me An Apology”
Birds on the Black isn’t immune to this either.
Each of our writers is busy developing a Stanton piece as we speak. Coming soon:
Kyle Reis: “Why My Head Looks Like It Was Dented By a Giancarlo Stanton Line Drive”
Alex Crisafulli: “Here Are 5 Screenshots of Giancarlo Stanton Stuff on Baseball Reference Because I Know How to Click Sort”
Zach Gifford: “Exit Velocity Analysis Shows Jhonny Peralta is a Better Option than Giancarlo Stanton”
Joe Schwarz: “What We Can Expect From Carlos Martinez Now That He Doesn’t Have to Face Giancarlo Stanton” And finally, I ask you all to tune into my next article, entitled “Giancarlo Stanton Will Never Ever Be a Cardinal, and Each and Every Blog You’ve Read About Him Was a Complete Waste of Your Time You Stupid Moron Idiots, but Thanks for Clicking.”
Hope is my thing in all aspects of life, except sports.
Have some hope