Let’s take a minute to embrace absurdity, if we can. I’m a simple yet absurd person, and I flaunt my stupidity like I invented stupidity. This seems like important background as we get into my ranking of these stupid jerseys.
It’s all that we really have, when you think about it, the ability to embrace the absurd nature of human consciousness. Well, that and the likelihood that we’ll get cancer before we die of course, but I digress. Not all halls are meant to be hallowed, and all things should not be sacred, ya know? And, if I may suggest so, especially not the tops and bottoms that the game players of our favorite team sports wear.
First, let’s talk about jerseys. Even the real ones are really stupid, when you reflect upon them. We will get more into it when we get into the Yankees lack of a City Connect jersey, but even the “legendary” or “iconic” jerseys are really really stupid. This is where I’d normally launch into a diatribe about capitalism and how a company tries to turn things into more than just the spun fabric that they are because it inspires more brand loyalty, but you’re here for a listing and not the ramblings of a moron.
My basic understanding of the City Connect jersey is that it’s the ugly sweater but with civic pride and in jersey form. This is the foundation of reasoning for which I build my list upon.
So, this is how I scored them:
Every team started with a ten.
2 points were subtracted if the jersey looked like a “regular” uniform or a better version of their regular uniform, or a uniform from a team’s past (sorry Angels and Braves).
1 point was subtracted if the colors were essentially the same as a regular home jersey.
1 point was subtracted if the uniforms take themselves too seriously.
2 points were subtracted if the owner/gatekeeper was too scared to manufacture a jersey that didn’t have the birds on the bat on it.
1 point was added if the color scheme was wildly different.
1 point was added if they looked like pajamas.
2 points were added if the jerseys made me feel kind of uncomfortable while looking at it.
In addition, points were added and subtracted in a completely arbitrary way because IT’S MY STUPID LIST AND NONE OF THIS MATTERS.
So, without any further delay, here’s my list of the top 30-ish City Connect jerseys!!!
#30 - The New York Yankees
The Yankees do not have a City Connect jersey and they’re absolute shithead cowards for it. Their jerseys are considered iconic, but only because they have pinstripes and they’re the same shit that’s been worn since white man brought disease to the new world. Of the two teams that haven’t produced City Connect jerseys, the Yankees have the inferior regular home costume, and since they’re taking themselves too goddamned seriously to take part in a stupid gimmick they deserve to be ridiculed and lambasted. Fuck the Yankees, man.
#29 - The……… Athletics from somewhere belonging to someone.
To reiterate, the A’s regular pajamas are better than the Yankees regular pajamas, so they get the edge of the two teams that don’t have a City Connect. Even then, this was a tough decision because the A’s lack of a City Connect is simply because their owner is a supreme dickhead that needs to get all of the way fucked. Sell the team, ya shit bag.
#28 - The Chicago Cubs
It says “Wrigleyville”. Cool. Cool cool cool. So, that’s something they did. I give them credit for going all blue from head to toe, but they should have gone with some batshit crazy blue color. The rest is pedestrian and boring. The hat/helmet logo can stay, but everything else needs to change. Fuck the Cubs anyway, ya know?
#27 - The San Francisco Giants
NOW, LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I ACTUALLY FUCKING LOOOOOVE the way that The Giants’ City Connect looks. HOWEVER, the issue is that they are basically just standard white home unis and with little in the way of pizzaz. I really like the Golden Gate Bridge on the sleeve and the orange pinstripes down the pant, but they’re too regular to get high marks for a jersey that should make you say to yourself “… the fuck is that?”
#26 - The Cincinnati Reds
Again, I don’t really mind the way that these look. They look kinda badass, if we are being honest. But they’re also kind of standard, and there really isn’t anything that sets these apart from just being alternate jerseys or a Saturday kit. They only get the edge over the Giants because they aren’t just standard home white pajamas.
#25 - The Pittsburgh Pirates
Same kinda thing here with Pittsburgh as with the Giants and the Reds. Again, I like the way that these look. I like that they are yellow topped and black bottomed, and they deserve some credit for the textured look on the top, as well as the black/yellow fade on the helmet. Maybe if they would have gotten clever with the hat we’d be talking about a spot higher up my list, but they’re pretty boring and lacking in absurdity.
#24 - The Baltimore Orioles
Now THIS is a difficult jersey to wager and list. I think that you could argue that this jersey should be close to where the Cubs and Reds are. However, I love the homage to the Maryland flag or whatever that pattern is in the sleeves and on the inside of the jersey. I wish that they would have done something similar to the topside of the bill of the hat as they did on the pant piping or the weird pattern that we just mentioned. Had they done this, up the list they would have gone. Also bonus points for a different hat (as simple as it is), as well as basic color scheme swap to go along with a worn-ish looking "BALTIMORE" logo.
#23 - The Arizona Diamondbacks
Now, these look badass fo sho. Going with the sand looking color kicks major ass, even if sand is coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. My main issue is that the Diamondbacks have had such a wild and vast array of jerseys over the years, some of which were substantially more ludicrous as jerseys than these City Connects are. It’s a beautiful color and a cool scheme but, for real, they’re too normal for an organization that had like 743 different uniform variations going on at one point in their history. You can’t be weird, then normal it up for the weird jerseys. Also, maybe these should be their regular unis?
#22 - The Detroit Tigers
I fucking hate these uniforms. They are horrendous. I mean, absolutely awful to look at. So, at least they got that right. Of the teams that had some fun embracing the ridiculous nature of the City Connects, the Tigers did it the worst. These are easily the worst hats, too. It's a shame, too, because there is a lot of nonsense going on that would otherwise jet them up the list like the weird color-scrubbing and textured top. If we are going on looks alone, these are the absolute worst. But we aren’t so here we are.
#21 - The Kansas City Royals
The Royals City Connect jerseys are just the Cubs City Connect but with a little extra effort. The breast logo is simple but cool, and they decided to go multi-color with the pant/top combo, so extra points there. Throwing in the light blue is also a nice touch, so bravo to them. Still, VERY boring, and I'm probably being too generous here but who cares.
#20 - The Houston Astros
These City Connect jerseys have really worn on me, surprisingly. When they first came out, I really liked them. They seemed both unique and pajama-y, and they were just weird enough to hit on some of the more fun aspects of the City Connect concept. However, as other teams have produced more and more ridiculous City Connect jerseys, I’ve come to view them as more regular than I otherwise would have liked for them to be. They need to have a star constellation spattered about the jersey or something nuts like that, and the texture sleeve just isn't enough anymore. Still, the logo on the hat is cool, and it's the carry tool of the uni. I don't know. Maybe these should be closer to the back of the list than they are.
#19 - The Milwaukee Brewers
These have also taken a bit of a dive in my rankings over the last couple of years as weirder City Connects have come out. I think these are beautiful and the hats are weird as shit, and that’ll do it for me. Other than that, these are basically just the same jerseys that might otherwise look like a weekend alternate.
#18 - The Los Angeles Dodgers
It’s undeniable that their original City Connect jerseys are awful. Terrible. The worst effort and a pathetic display of ugly sweatering. However, these new kits are a different breed. I love confetti cake. LOVE IT. Put sprinkles on broccoli and I’ll eat it like it’s a delicious tasting anus. So, they get more extra points for that little bit of flare than they deserve. The hats are also very dumb, which is right up my alley for what my interpretation of the spirit of what the City Connect is. Also, the Vin Scully inspired hashtag on the bottom of the jersey top by the tag is really fucking cool. That ridiculous color fading pinstripe, team name, and jersey number really does it for me, as well. I would actually like to put these further up the list, but I'm trying my damndest to be as objective as I can be.
#17 - The Atlanta Braves
OK, so here’s the deal and it’s something that I hinted at above. These uniforms should be their regular home uniforms. They’re really damn good and also really damn regular, and they feel like a jersey that they've already worn. The only thing that is unique about them is that they put the word “the” in front of the “A” on the breast of the jersey. These are too good looking, too acceptable to be City Connect jerseys. Sure, they look good as fuck, but that doesn’t mean shit to me and my list.
#16 - The Los Angeles Angels
The Braves and Angels go back-to-back for me because they are the two jerseys that should be – without a shred of a doubt – the regular home jerseys for their team. They look fucking AWESOME. For real, these kick ass. If they were the real home jerseys like they should be, these would be a top five home jersey in the league. Which makes them too normal to be ranked any higher.
#15 - The Cleveland Guardians
I honestly don’t know what in the hell this is. I like the pattern in the “CLE”, and I think the weird textured-look of the tops are pretty cool, too. The hats are cool looking, but also too normal even in their multi-colored pursuits. These are trapped somewhere between being regular alternate jerseys and something weird and special, and in the VERY missionary way.
#14 - The Chicago White Sox
Going reverse-Yankee-full-pinstripe from head to toe is a BOLD choice that shouldn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated, even if I do wish that the pinstripe was bolder. The hat is stupid like the Cardinals hats are. If you are going to play it safe with a color palette, at least give it some texture or a 90's flare, and that little spatter pattern-behind the pinstripes works for me. These are perfectly fine. I give it a few extra points because I think it looks particularly good when you see a random person out in the wild wearing one.
#13 - The Toronto Blue Jays
In all honesty, I didn’t know exactly where to put the Jays. I know that I love them. I know that they are weird. I love the cityscape in the background. I think if they had decided to go two-tone with the top and bottom then I’d feel better about moving them higher up the list. I do think that the hat is about the perfect blend of regular and extra crispy – but still somewhat safe – as you could put together for City Connect. It's at about this point of the list that the jerseys get good.
#12 - The St. Louis Cardinals
I give the Cardinals credit for coming close to doing some really cool things with their City Connects. The potential is certainly there, if they’d just leaned into it a bit. I like the river-themed pinstripes, but it needs to be darker/bolder. The Birds On The Bat have to come off, and knowing that Prince Charles Bill DeWitt III cowered away from removing them from the jersey is a REAL knock on both him and the jerseys. I do love the red pinstripe on the pant, as simple as it is. The hats are staggeringly pedestrian, and a team should not be proud of a hat that is just three letters spaced sort of weirdly on a singularly colored hat. Had they just gone with the alternate hat then they would have gotten a couple points bump. These could be special (a little yellow here and there would have gone a long way), but like the ownership group they are content with being slightly better than “fine”.
#11 - The Philadelphia Phillies
I love how ugly these are. They’re so damn bad, and it’s such a treat how "right" they got these in the process. I love that they went in the exact opposite direction of their normal colors. Weird font? CHECK. Weird color scheme for the letters of the name of the team and the players? WE GOT IT! Their arm sleeve patch is simple but cool, as well. The colors-fading-into-each-other jersey is a disgusting visual delight, and these motherfuckers put the Liberty Bell on their hat.
#10 - The Texas Rangers
The Rangers have to be a top 10 City Connect because they are the undeniable perfect mashup of how these can be regular without being weird, and still be cool and in the spirit of City Connect. If they were just a little weirder they’d be a little further up, but they’re different enough from a regular home jersey yet similar enough to a regular home jersey that you don’t exactly know what in the hell is going on there. They somehow managed to stay away from the trap that the Braves and Angels fell into juuuuuust enough that these couldn’t be mistaken for alternate or standard home jerseys. That's an impressively tough line to toe. Does any of that make sense? I swear, I've read over this last paragraph six times and it still doesn't make sense to me.
#9 - The New York Mets
What a NEAR PERFECT disaster. I mean, what in the hell even is this? There’s so much going on. What an absolute delight!!! If they would have found some way to incorporate more purple they’d be #1, but half-assing the purple really breaks my heart. Obviously, that ridiculous bridge on the helmet plays upon my weaknesses, which, I must admit, are deep and many. I Love that they don’t look like the Mets at all, and I especially love that they almost seem to be quietly mocking the Yankees.
#8 - The Minnesota Twins
OK, these things actually fucking rock. Color scheme-wise, they don’t exactly fit with what you might otherwise associate with the Twins. There’s some bullshit pattern scattered about the jersey tops. I actually dig how hokey the outline of the state looks on the cap, which is two-tone as well. It’s missing some flare somewhere, maybe an extra splash of the yellow, but otherwise these are a good blend of normal and weird.
#7 - The Miami Marlins
For real, how eyeball fucking are these things?! I really like the big, oversized “MIAMI”, and I think that the burnt orange or whateverthehell color that happens to be is far from the normal yet embracing what we’ve seen from the Marlins in the past. The pinstripes on the top look awful, more like a poorly assembled fence that someone from Lemay might put around their back yard, and godbless them for doing it. Even with all that's going on with the jersey tops, it's the logo on the hat that really brings this thing home, for me.
#6 - The Washington Nationals
You already know why, but it’s the cherry blossom. The colors are different, of course, but the cherry blossom is a bold choice and they kick ass for going in that direction. I also love the stonework-type textured look to the tops. I'm tired or writing so much, so brevity will save us.
#5 - The Seattle Mariners
These are just cool, ya know? It checks all of the boxes that you’d want for something out of the ordinary, but also still very “SEATTLE MARINERS”. The tri-color combo of blue, yellow, and black sets it apart, and that they carry that on to the hat is a real treat. In some ways, it feels like their color scheme ended up being a trend setter for the City Connects of other teams. If the trident on the lid was just a little weirder, or the font on the front of the jersey was just a little more ridiculous, this would be #1. A weird sleeve patch would have done it for me, as well.
#4 - The Tampa Bay Rays
SKATEBOARDING SEA LIFE?!?!?! FUCKING RIGHT!!!!
They really did just nail it. Weird color scheme. Weird pattern. Multi-colored everywhere, yet all black to really let those colors pop. I mean, what an ocular bonanza!!!
#3 - The San Diego Padres
I went back and forth while trying to decide if the Red Sox, Rockies, or Padres would be #1, and I think the only reason that the Padres fall to the back of that threesome is because their jerseys are still ultimate home-white as a base. Otherwise, these straight ROCK. The color scheme was really the first to show people that you could honor the spirit of both civic pride and weirdness without it looking like total shit, and that you could be flamboyant without being a total dickhead at the same time. Also, sherbet rocks so suck it.
#2 - The Boston Red Sox
These are obviously a bit polarizing, but I say “great job”! Completely different color scheme. Heavy on the civic pride bullshit. Multi-color. Smooth as fuck. You know right away that something weird and unique and different is happening when you see these in action, and if ever there was a real "purpose" of the city connect jerseys aside from civic pride it’s that.
#1 - The Colorado Rockies
You know what’s stupid? Turning your state’s license plate into a uniform. You know what else is stupid? PUTTING FUCKING MOUNTAINS ON THE JERSEY!!!!! These motherfuckers did BOTH, and they changed their color pattern while adding a little purple-ish pipping. This is how ya fucking do it. Get weird, freaks.